I'll be honest, it's going to be pretty hard to get over the news that Katie Price and Peter Andrex [sic], are going through a private relationship split (gleefully played out with precious little dignity in the full and unremitting glare of every lifestyle comic on the newsagents' shelf). I mean; when I first saw them flirting on 'I'm Washed Up, Give My Career A Jump Start', I thought to myself, 'What a lovely, selfless couple. I'll bet they have a really happy life together'. It really seemed perfect... as though nothing could possibly go wrong for them... So imagine my dismay when I found out that they're now literally at each other's throats. I can hardly pick up a copy of (my wife's) Heat Magazine, without shedding a sombre tear for those two shy young innocent pups (that just want some peace). 

 

I don't know about you, but when I pick up a copy of Heat Magazine, I merely want to gloat about celebrities' over-active sweat-glands and acne problems. I certainly don't want to have my faith in the sanctity of matrimony challenged to such an enormous extent.

 

Still, on the plus side, I hear that Katie Price (a.k.a. Katie Price), is embarking upon yet another £21,000 cosmetic surgery binge – but is no longer able to have breast augmentation. It appears she's already 'pushed those envelopes to bursting point'. So instead, she's settling for a 'body-reduction-procedure' that should achieve exactly the same effect. 

 

Very soon, everyone's favourite 'Lumberjill' and Jordan Nemesis; Jodie Marsh, will start looking like Audrey Hepburn by comparison. 

 

Finally, with luck, and if my dreams are realised, then the lop-grinned lothario; Limpbizkit Opik [sick], will swoop in to kiss Katie's tears away, and assuage her loneliness with a thousand butterfly kisses. After which, if Cheryl Tweedy's solo career takes off and she loses a bit more of that puppy fat, then I think I'll once more achieve a Zen-like state of balance and harmony.

 

Until then, I'll just carry on praying for Katie and Peter, and trust that all goes well with them.

 

Good night all, please don't have nightdreams. 

 

Johnny xxx

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