In a novel twist to the already complex and convoluted love life of Britain's most notorious Shar-Pei, it appears that our earlier news story was already out of date...

Having abruptly finished an affair with Sir Alan Sugar, we reported that the Shar-Pei had immediately embarked upon another illicit liaison, this time with Celebrity Potty Mouth, Gordon Ramsey. The pair had been photographed nuzzling, canoodling and smoothing each others' wrinkled foreheads during an intimate candle lit soirée at notorious celebrity haunt; Nando's. A member of staff at the Chicken Boutique (who wished to remain anonymous), stated: “They looked really cosy and flirtatious. Gordon was the perfect, attentive gentleman and even pulled her basket out for her before sitting down opposite. After about seven bottles of Newcastle Brown and three Egg Nog's, they were at it like hammer and tongs. It turned my fucking stomach to be honest”.

The pair left separately; Gordon avoiding the media scrum by deftly ducking into the back of a waiting Maybach limousine. Meanwhile, the Shar-Pei was stranded in the harsh and unflattering glare of a thousand Paparazzi flashes, as she daintily slashed against a nearby lamp post. 

However, news of this affair's swift demise surfaced later this evening, when the mutt, accompanied by her new PR Consultant, Cliff Maxford, was interviewed by News International Group (who have also secured exclusive rights to the wedding she probably won't be having for; “The next few years at least. And certainly not before I find some other poor unsuspecting, well-heeled, muggins B-Lister... plus sponsorship with a chocolate company.”)

Clearly distraught, the Shar-Pei, who's face was contorted into a grim mask of lovelorn agony, nervously fingered a saliva-soaked punctured football (Gordon's last gift to her before they split). With barely concealed grief, she blinked back tears and in a marvelous display of dignity and restraint, went into graphic detail about Gordon's 'fierce cocaine habit' and other intimate details of their sexual tryst. Asked about Gordon's favourite sexual position, the Shar-Pei barked... “I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer!” She did however, allude to a private sex video they'd made together, which she'd managed to extricate from their love nest, and that will soon be offered for sale to news groups by sealed-bid tender.

Asked what was next for The Shar-Pei, Cliff Maxford enthusiastically ejaculated: “The future's looking very bright. We're just about to go into the studio to record her first single; there's already a calendar deal; she's just been contracted to Revlon, who are producing an exclusive fragrance called 'Eau D'Anus'; we'll then find out where the latest war is going on and drop her in by chopper to entertain the troops. After that, she'll be giving forthright interviews to any hack who'll listen to her vitriolic and bitchy diatribes about Katie Price and Jodie Marsh... And that's just this week! By the end of the month, she ought to be jetting off to Canvey Island, where she'll be getting her nipples out in a photo shoot for Max Power Magazine. It'll be nothing trashy; we'll find a right good souped-up Fiesta for her to drape herself over, as she pulls her cheeks apart – but subtly, like”.

Mr. Ramsey, who strenuously denies having the support of his long suffering wife and children, was pretty much keeping a low profile about the whole 'dog shagging' thing.

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