How utterly charming! Frankly, I’ve had quite a crisis of confidence recently and had begun to formulate the opinion that I was no longer attractive to the opposite sex – or any sex come to that. Yes, it’s hard to believe I know, because I am undeniably delicious in the right lighting (and with the right amount of Gaussian Blurring in Photoshop).

So imagine my surprise, when a cute little bundle of innuendo squirted the quaintest email over to me. I’m no expert on matters of the flesh, but I reckon this little minx is just gagging for it. I’ll bet you're all jealous.

Here’s what she wrote:

"Hi! I’m a single girl and I’m 26 years old. Please take a look at my picture and let me know if you like it!!! I live in Russia and I’m going to come to your country and work over there very soon! I don’t know anybody over there and I thought it would be great to meet someone who is open to anything (as I am!). I would be happy to be friends, lovers or create a serious relationship! We will see what happens! I hope you will write me back and I will write more info about myself and send more photos!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don’t use my personal email address then I won’t be able to read your reply and write you back. So it is very important that you get it right. Ok, I guess it is now your turn. Hope to hear from you today. Bye!!!!!"

Isn’t that sweet? Her language and grammar seems pretty good, and she has a wonderful way of writing, that implies she’s aboard a stricken ship.

Here’s what I wrote back:

"Hello Derek,

Thanks for sending me your photograph. Do you have any more? I’m quite partial to uniforms, so if you have any candid shots of you in a Yeoman Of The Guards outfit, that would be just dandy. Just so you know, I have plenty of Kleenex, and have a wonderful liquid-based cleaning agent that eradicates stubborn stains from most bed linen (not Bri-Nylon!!!!!!).

I note with interest that you are coming over to our shores soon (please bring plenty of cardigans, the weather is currently subject to swift temperature change and by the looks of things, you could easily freeze your tits off, love).

If you are genuinely coming over here to work, I own a couple of Buy-To-Let properties in the North West and have plenty of plastering that needs doing. Please let me know if you wish to tender a quote.

Anyhow, please do write me soon, you hear? I'm simply busting to show off my collection of chainsaws and Ninja Throwing Stars to somebody!!!!

By the way, did you know that human thigh actually tastes identical to chicken... APPARENTLY?!!! Crazy Man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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