I'm totally fed up with coiffured and sincere life coaches, overtly sincere motivational speakers, rictus-grinning-self-help gurus and mind-feed manuals. All of this guff tirelessly promotes a 'positive mental attitude' and encourages you to open your mind; broaden your horizons; and say a hearty 'Yes!' to the potential of new opportunities. But let's face it, it takes an awful lot of energy to be upbeat, doesn't it? I've been positive most of my life, but it doesn't really seem to have got me anywhere yet... 

The surgical spade cuts the plappy sod;
the fronds of peat peel away.
With precise relinquish, he surveys,
and his globed shoulders undulate like the overheated bonnet of a broken tractor.

Sure of step, the earth submits;
the brackish cabbage bends.
He points the wing and sets his sock,
mapping the furrow exactly to within at least a metre or so – maybe less.

I stumbled in his wake like an arthritic labrador;
his hobnailed imprints charting the land relentlessly.
I yearned to ride on his clicked tongue, or maybe on his broad back, dipping... I can't quite remember which...
as the braying team strained at his stiffened elbow.

Setting into the land once more;
his expert eye plucking at something or other,
I yapped and stumbled faultlessly,
and after he'd mowed the lawn and put the Flymo back in the shed, Mum took me to the swimming pool in Loughton and I had three Wagon Wheels and a Shandy Bass, and was sick in the back of the Vauxhall Viva.

Well you can't have it, so fuck off.

Just kidding.

Hey you, my name's Johnny and I'm incredibly successful and well endowed. You probably aren't, so read on. 6 months ago, I was working in Halfords, 27 hours a day/8 days a week, painting chickens onto toilet doors. My boss didn't appreciate me, and to be honest, nor did I. 

I had no real friends, and I certainly wasn't getting any 'action'. I was bored, destitute, alone, betrayed and smelly... a lot like you, in fact. That was until I saw an advert in a magazine (not unlike this one!)

It said: 'If you're desperate, bored, gullible, lonely and easy to fleece... read this advert: You'll be a millionaire in 2 minutes flat (or your money back!!!) Plus, you can work from home. So I read it. And you know what? It was a load of old fucking bollocks. So is this advert. So stop reading it and fix your life yourself. If I'd really found the key to wealth, do you think I'd share it with you for under £5, just so that you could compete with me? You schmuck. Of course I wouldn't.

There are no short cuts to success; there's no substitute for effort; experience; business acumen; unlimited finance; and connections. And nobody is going to make you more attractive to other people either, no matter how many envelopes you stuff.

Apply for something else instead.

In a bid to capitalise on the ongoing success of Pop Idol, The X-Factor, and Britain's Got Talent, ITV are rehashing the format yet again; this time with a DIY theme. The new show is called Britain's Got Mallets, and Jerome Lopategui, commissioning editor at ITV was optimistic about the show's potential: “It seems there's no shortage of dickheads in this country, who are willing to sacrifice their last remaining shred of dignity, to make buffoons of themselves on prime time TV... all for the unquenchable gratification of a perversely voyeuristic public that really ought to refuse to be force-fed such inane pap and drivel, but who stick with it, in a shallow bid to bolster their own hum-drum existences and to feel superior to the contestants... who themselves, really out to be seeking psychiatric help. But having said all of that, our previous shows just seem to have done so well. To be frank though, we were running out of ideas on how to keep milking the same theme – until someone in the office came up with a really bright idea”.

A journalist from a regional paper is facing both suspension from his job – and a claim of negligence, which has been lodged by the parents of Kevin Tattershall, from Romford. Their son was erroneously reported to have committed suicide, by leaping from the 12th floor balcony of his council flat.

An historic resolution was passed in Brussels yesterday, at a summit meeting between all of the major global sports and athletics governing bodies. The main attendees were: The FIA, FIFA and the ATP.