Do you suppose someone in the marketing department at Aveda suffers from mild Tourettes? Naturally, I’m referring to their emollient moisturising crème for women, called ‘Hand Relief’. Now, I’m no prude, and in fact, welcome a bit of smut and innuendo – especially if it helps stimulate sales in the high streets. But for God’s sake, if you’re going to do it, please do it properly…

The only people who profit from the incessant doom-mongering in this country, are the false prophets of the nations press; journalists. That was a sentence involving playful contrast between the words profit, and prophet. It took me ages to think of it, hope you appreciate it.

Richard Branson’s been hounding me on the ‘phone again. It’s getting to the stage when even the thought of switching my Vertu on fills me with dread. When he finally got through to me, using the cunning ruse of calling me from Kelly Brooks’ mobile, I told him the very same thing I told Donald Trump: “Get a fucking haircut and leave me alone.” I don’t blame anyone for finding me so fabulous, but there’s only so much business advice I can dispense whilst trying to complete my charity work.

My name is Johnny and I’ve been studying property half-heartedly for the past ten years. I’ve even bought the odd house here and there, so I know what I’m talking about. I also know that there is an awful lot of insubstantiated guff written about the property market.

The latest Nationwide survey confirms everyone’s worst fears: Falls in housing are now being widely reported not only across The North, Midlands and South, but also across Legoland, Alton Towers, Bembon Brothers, Chessington, Thorpe Park, Knotty Ash, Noddyland and Drayton Manor.

Omar Bonfiglioli of the 'Poundshop' in Romford, has stunned City analysts and The Treasury by announcing a profit for the year ending April 2009. "Frankly, I'm shocked" said an emotional Mr. Bonfiglioli, "My accountant must have made a right cock-up, innit?"

Apparently, till receipts and records were still being double-checked earlier today, but suggestions are that the shop has indeed made an annual pre-tax profit of £14,752. "It's strange, because I was about to slash my prices and re-launch as 'Fiftfourpenceshop' in a bid to beat the recession. Then, right... my accountant calls me up, and he say: Don't be such dumb-fuck Omar, you is in profit, or what!"

As yet, it's unknown how such a seismic and unprecedented shift will impact upon the Retail Price Index, but one thing is for sure, upon leaving the shop, we were simply unable to resist the urge to pick up a Toby Jug and enquire: "Excuse me mate, how much is this?"