I’m aware that this will immediately reveal me to be a pompous ass, but I abhor the social dictum that suggests that upon meeting a friend, neighbour or acquaintance, there are only two choices: Either kiss them – or shake hands. I find this limiting, facile and antiquated. Furthermore, I don’t like to let convention demand that I should do anything. I’ll decide how I want to greet someone, thanks.

In the words of Our Majesty, I think it’s fair to say that 2008 was something of an 'Annus Horriblus' which I believe loosely translated means 'Gammy Arse'. It was a year when even The Queen would have failed a Birmingham Midshires credit score, such was the idiosyncrasy of their cautious scoring system. It was a year that was lazily described by the media as ‘A Rollercoaster’, which would have been accurate until you consider that a Rollercoaster needs the occasional up... Unless you’re on Oblivion at Alton Towers, naturally.

Being the father of two young daughters, I was bludgeoned into going to Wart Drisley’s ‘Low Brow Whimsical On Ice’ over the Christmas break. This was staged at The O2 on ‘The Greenwich Riviera’... or whatever it is they’re now pretentiously calling that barren outcrop of toxic ex-land fill in South East London.

Much as I rant about Britain, the problems we face and the gloomy journalists in this country, there are many things that I love about our country. I like our rich heritage, architecture, and beer. I like the fact that we can trade on our quirky, quintessential Britishness when it comes to real ale, and the fact that we have such a variety of irreverent and novel brand names for our beers: Spitfire, Old Peculiar, Hen’s Tooth, Sheep Shaggers, Prize Fighters, Badger’s Original, Poacher’s Choice, Toad’s Croak and Bishop’s Finger. Come to think of it, I’ve never understood how they manage to sell any Bishop’s Finger, after all…

I’m getting seriously disillusioned with the media in this country. I just don’t think their reporting has enough sensationalism, ‘sizzle’ or ‘zap’.

I think you’ll find that it’s every four, actually.