Imagine the scene: A sleepy seaside town in Aldeburgh (no, I don't know where it is either). The vaseline-grey clouds scud listlessly across the textured canvas of a chill winters morning, as passing pensioners chew their invisible peanuts. Jay Kay (39, everyone's favourite 'Stars In Their Eyes' finalist – and a cracking Stevie Wonder impersonator to boot), thrums into the foreground in a stealthy, aqualine black Ferrari Enzo. Jay flips open one of the scissor doors, ready to enjoy a saveloy, gherkin and a small portion of chips, when some chav in a tarted up Supra drives into view. Needless to say, the diminutive Jay Kay can't resist a jibe... 

I am of course referring to the shocking media furore surrounding Chantelle Steadman (a 15 year old girl), who has allegedly become pregnant by Alfie Patten (a 12 year old boy at the time of conception). Interestingly, it now appears that two more boys could also potentially be the Father (Tyler Barker: 14, and Richard Goodsell: 16 years old). Yep, seems Chantelle sure has had a packed itinerary lately and has been studying the ceilings in Eastbourne for quite a while…

How do you find different ways to tell your spouse that you love them every single year? Actually, the problem is exacerbated by the fact that you’re going to repeat this exercise at least five times a year: Birthday, Anniversary, Mother's Day, Christmas and Valentine’s Day.

How utterly charming! Frankly, I’ve had quite a crisis of confidence recently and had begun to formulate the opinion that I was no longer attractive to the opposite sex – or any sex come to that. Yes, it’s hard to believe I know, because I am undeniably delicious in the right lighting (and with the right amount of Gaussian Blurring in Photoshop).

Look, I’m really getting fed up with the banks now. I’m doing my bit for the economy but don’t see a reciprocal commitment from our financial institutions. I’m still spending money, and for the first time ever, have even succumbed to feverish bouts of collecting coupons. I can therefore now be seen most lunch times, shovelling ‘two-for-one-pizza’ into my rancid cakehole in either a Pizza Express or Zizzi. I don’t especially want to do it, but it’s a sacrifice I’ll happily make for the country.

Why is it that in the UK, we are constantly surprised when we get a bit of weather? I’ve been alive for some 40 years now, and don’t remember a single day where we didn’t experience some sort of weather. But it snows in winter for one week, the councils’ act surprised, we run out of salt, and the nation resultantly grinds to a complete halt. Brilliant.