Confusion reigned during the filming of 'My Bitched-Up Pimpy Haddock: Apprentice Edition'. This will be a spin-off of the popular TV series 'Pimp My Ride'. The new format, involves Tim Westwood (everyone's favourite Albino Jamaican), going to visit 'amateur' car enthusiasts who have already spent years honing their cars to customized perfection. The results are judged by a panel of professionals, who will offer the eventual winner a 2-year apprenticeship at 'Rad-Wheelz'; the famous Southend custom car and paint shop.

The Tomb Raider actress was photographed yesterday, taking time off in the park with her latest adoption: Belgium. Although complaining of media intrusion, she did grant the press a full hour to answer questions about the latest addition to her burgeoning family.

In a novel twist to the already complex and convoluted love life of Britain's most notorious Shar-Pei, it appears that our earlier news story was already out of date...

In a move that has sent the combined journalistic talents of The Sun, The Mirror, and The News Of The World [sic], into hyperbolic, jingoistic and alliterative over-drive, the Shar-Pei (who we last month alleged was having a liaison with Sir Alan Sugar), has sensationally split from the star of The Apprentice, only to commence an affair with the vitriolic pseudo-family-loving, double-standards, potential ex-football star, love rat, lothario... hang on, I'm confusing myself now...

Sources at the BBC were said to be 'rocked' by revelations that Sir Alan Sugar has 'shunned the contestants completely' and scuppered the latest series of The Apprentice, by hiring a Shar-Pei into the prestigious role.

At a recent press conference in Paris, Steve Jobs (CEO of Apple), unveiled what he described as a "truly exceptional killer application" for the popular iPhone. With a glassy, thousand-yard-stare, Mr. Jobs addressed the palpitating and salivating journalists, some of whom were openly nudging their genitalia in anticipation of the imminent announcement. Mr. Jobs (big nerdy guy with lots of money), went on to explain: "The iPhone has been at the forefront of telecoms technology since inception, and with this new FREE application, we aim to get people communicating even more effectively"...